Just Being Honest

It makes me sad when I look at my calendar. I had only 10 migraine free days last month. I was able to stop most of them with Maxalt. I am very tired of ‘trying’ things because nothing seems to work and with so many triggers, I can’t avoid them all. Especially having three children and did I ever mention that they all seem to only be able to speak on loud voices. Well, at least the older two.
Overall, I feel like a failure. The migraines are so disruptive. They make me unable to commit to anything. And, half the projects I do do, I either can’t enjoy the outcome or suffer a migraine when I attend an event. Not to mention the several headaches it took to get there. I’m involved in visual arts for our church’s worship service and also marketing of events and programs. So, I feel useless because I have to keep decreasing my work amount and I don’t always meet deadlines or am able to be a part of the result. Like last Sunday, for example, was the very first one of our new worship services. I designed the look of the service for print and the projection, but due to a migraine, I wasn’t able to experience the service.
I don’t want to go back to my doctor because I don’t feel anything is working and she said no to Topamax.
The migraines also make me snappy and moody with my children. I try very hard to keep an even tone, but when it hurts so bad and they won’t listen, I don’t know what else to do than raise my voice. I feel like there is no plan and no teaching of what to do when mommy is sick. Daddy will take care of the kiddos for me and is supportive with when I need to lay down. But, I feel there is no pro activeness. No preventative measures. It isn’t a priority and I don’t know how to make it one. I don’t want our lives to center around my headaches, but I don’t feel I’m getting exactly what I need. And who knows what that is.
When you’ve struggled with this since you were about eight years old, there are several emotional and mental side effects you have to deal with. I feel as if I can’t complete things, I feel that I can’t be successful in a career. I even think sometimes that I’m not a fit mother because of migraines. I have my ups and downs. I do have times of great inspiration and hope, but with all diseases and chronic illnesses, the negatives of life are never far enough out of site.
Thanks for listening.

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